Vietnam

VIETNAM

15th Dec 2018  to  14th Jan 2019

HO CHI MINH (SAIGON)

On the flight into Vietnam I wondered why it's colder at higher altitudes. You're closer to the sun? Getting off the plane in Saigon, my attention turned to nicotine and I wondered about why they never put smoking areas in airports for arriving passengers. These are the passengers in most dire need of a smoke, so it's less than ideal to have to first complete the half-hour process of customs, collecting luggage, getting a sim card, ATM, etc.

I had planned to go to the Cu Chi Tunnels - an underground network dug out and used by soldiers and civilians during the US-Viet war. But I discovered they're about a two hour drive from Ho Chi Minh and, crucially, full of big spiders. Instantly scrapped off the itinerary and replaced with the war museum, the independence palace and the 'notre dame' cathedral. I also had the Ho Chi Minh mausoleum in my plans, but this turns out to be a highly misleading name for a mausoleum all the way up north in Hanoi.

Vietnam won some kind of asian international football tournament on the same night that I arrived, so it was mental in Saigon. I was just in the hotel room but the noise was unbelievable.



Completely inadvertently showed up at the war museum wearing camou t-shirt and camou shorts, which - although nobody said anything nor did I get any looks - did make me feel a bit uneasy. The museum was of course heavily biased towards the Vietnamese side of the story, so being a white dude in all camou just didn't feel comfortable. Entry less than £1 which was good given that it wasn't very interesting. I did like looking round the tanks and planes they had outside though.

Easy walking distance to reach the independence palace. Which was closed.

 

Even easier walking distance to reach the notre dame cathedral. Which was closed.

I tried to visit the skydeck so I could get a good look out over all of Saigon, but the staff were so confused - sending people from one ticket desk to another and then back again - that I just couldn't be arsed and left.

I didn't particularly like this city. There were a multitude of factors contributing to it; like tiredness, as well as trying to readjust to traveling solo after just arriving in another country; so maybe my opinion would have been much improved had I gone with a different mindset.

NHA TRANG

Vietnam is massive and I outright refused to go on a 16 hour coach to reach Nha Trang - the best known of its seaside towns. The one hour flight plus transfers was well worth the extra money. To make it absolutely clear how fatigued I felt at this stage of my journey, I'll point out that I only spent one of my five days in Nha Trang actually doing anything other than laying on my bed and scoffing chocolate. I hadn't wanted five nights here but it's how it panned out due to the cost of a flight to Da Nang varying so much on different days. So on that one day out, I did have a really good day...

I went to Ponogar temple which was pretty chill, then got taken to see two old women who were wearing those conical Raiden hats and using some kind of machine to turn grass into placemats and bedmats - I helped them (or more likely hindered them). Really liked that. Also got taken to see how people create incence candle sticks and quite definitely hindered them, with my much slower pace of putting the sticks through the machine and breaking about six of them. Saw a giant buddha statue (45 metres tall) where apparently if a monk gets ill they have some exclusive entry inside and climb up the top into the statue's ear. Saw a group of women making those wrap things you have with shredded duck or whatever when you're at a Chinese restaurant. And an amazing view to be had while crossing this really weak-seeming wooden bridge they had somewhere (I don't know, I was being taken around by a guide). Eventually got to the beach and a bedchair is just 50k dong (about £1.30) for all day. I tried a crocodile steak in a restaurant one night but didn't rate it.

DA NANG (incl. HOI AN)

My third flight in a week took me to Da Nang which is another seaside town. Thought I would try a hostel again in the hope of meeting someone interesting, but the place was pretty dead. I think it had bed bugs too because my skin is itching every day, though it's hard to pinpoint what's causing that. On the first night I went out to Vertigo bar to watch football and met an American (Sam), Irish (Owen) and Australian (Tod). Bad "walk-into-a-bar" joke to be inserted here. I'll just say, could each of them have a more cliche name given where they're from?

I went to Marble Mountain which is probably the main tourist attraction in Da Nang. After several million steps you can find various caves and pagodas and it's a really chill relaxing place. My favourite was the cave temple where a huge beam of sunlight shone in through a big hole in the ceiling.

That same day I went to take a look at Dragon Bridge. Also went to an Indian restaurant.

The next day I got a group tour at 5pm to go see Hoi An. I'd planned to go here independently but again was thinking about trying to meet other travellers. Everyone else on the tour was Vietnamese so there's that extra barrier in terms of getting any conversation going, plus it resulted in a super awkward meal sitting around a large table in near silence - that has to be the number one terrible thing about group tours. The reason the tour was in the evening is because Hoi An is famous for the many lanterns scattered around the town - certainly this added to the charm of the place and I think it wins the award as the most 'quaint' town on earth. That being said, I'm glad I was there for just a couple of hours before returning to Da Nang.

As well as itchy skin, I'd been having a burning sensation when going for a piss - which by Christmas day had become so unbearable that I just had to go to the doctor to get medicine to treat this UTI (cost $143). Kids all over the world waking up to their new tablet, bitch I got 14. My additional present to myself was to have a KFC. As I type this I've just noticed why I'm putting on weight.

HUE

The two hour journey to Hue apparently required a sleeper coach - the first time I've seen or been on one. Immediately learnt that the lower deck is about six times more comfortable and ten times less likely to have you falling to the floor. I had a bit of a wander on my first day here and bought some very expensive tea (NB: Hue is the best place in the world if you enjoy being constantly approached by motorbike drivers, who'll offer everything from a ride around town to a prostitute). Then I stayed up until about 3am so that I could have a video chat with that girl back in Pattaya. A stupid decision to do so as I had a 7am city tour booked which would last all day. Indeed, for me, it lasted until mid-day, when I was so exhausted that I just couldn't continue and, in spite of having already paid to see another six places in the afternoon, I left the restaurant without even saying bye to anyone. I hate how awkward group tours are. I hadn't even woke up on time, the hotel owner had to knock on my door and wake me up. He then very kindly sent me on my way with a baguette and a banana (the staff at Cozy hotel were so friendly) to join the group, who had been waiting an hour for me. I did see the citadel, where Vietnamese royalty lived until they stopped having a king, as well as some seven-story pagoda after a cruise on the Perfume river. There's some kind of folklore leading Hue residents to believe that if you visit this pagoda as a couple, you will break-up shortly after. I'd maybe have stuck it out until the end of the tour if it hadn't been raining so much all day - this and my knackeredness were an unbearable combo though. Found a nice restaurant with a pool table on the way back and had a bolognese pizza and a peng banana smoothie, so it wasn't all bad.

Not sure I particularly liked Hue. It felt a bit disjointed, like neither modern nor old and I just didn't really like the vibe that much. I found a small park near the river about a couple of hours before leaving and I rated it there, although I was twice approached by the insecent motorbike drivers in just fifteen minutes.

PHONG NHA

I hadn't planned to go to Phong Nha but came here on my mate Alex's recommendation, him having already been to Vietnam about a month earlier. As it's inconveniently about 4hrs north of Hue and a further 8hrs shy of Hanoi (my next intended destination), I'd considered ignoring his advice but I'm so glad that I didn't. In fact, given that I've already discovered my preference for nature over visiting big cities, I really shouldn't have doubted him - well worth coming here. It's absolutely stunning with all the mountains and views. I haven't really bothered to explore it too much, which I am sure in hindsight will be a regret, but that's due largely to the cold weather and heavy rainfall as opposed to my laziness. Consequently I didn't visit Phong Nha Cave and instead opted to have a meal in an Indian restaurant for the third time in under a week. The fatness reigns.



But on my second day, I did go on a group tour. First stop was at the Botanical Gardens, which is basically a corderned-off touristy bit of the jungle through which the group and I walked to reach the top of a waterfall. Then we all went inside the world's longest dry cave - Paradise Cave - which was breathtaking. Getting to and from Paradise involved a buggie ride between the car park and the actual entrance. On the way in, I heard the tour guide tell us that we'd have to get the buggie back to the car park at about 12:15pm - so I did. I waited by myself on our minibus until about 12:45, at which time everyone else appeared asking me where I'd been and saying they'd been waiting for me. I was confused. The guide hadn't expressely said to wait for her before getting the buggie back, she just said to get back to the bus - yet everyone else assumed she meant for us to come back as a group. So that's the first time I stood out to the rest of the group as the strange nameless baldmun. 10 weirdo points awarded.

 

The inevitable group tour restaurant meal of pure awkwardness was swiftly followed by the guide asking us to go and get changed ready for swimming into Dark Cave. I don't think the water was very deep so I was confident about being able to swim; but, with all these other young people around, I just absolutely was not going to reveal my dad-bod and told the guide that I'd like to only do the kayaking (rejecting the ziplining, swimming and mud-bath). Her reaction was to loudly say "why why only kayak no good for you why..." - well within earshot of all the others, who were at this point prepping their swimming clothes. 6 extra weirdo points awarded. She persuaded me to do both the kayaking and the zipline, a combo that meant I didn't have to disgust the world with my flab and could just go straight up to collect a harness.

I'm so happy that she got me to go on the zipline! It was incredible, not as scary as I thought it might be and an awesome feeling to be pretty much flying over the jungle and a big lake. Part of the reason why it was less scary than I'd imagined is that it goes nowhere near as fast as you might think. It's not slow either, but certainly in my particular case there wasn't quite enough momentum to actually reach the landing pad at the end. People were queuing up for the ziplining and I'd say it took about 30 seconds between each person getting a go - so the 10 minute rescue mission to get me back onto land was more than a minor hold-up. I don't know what I'd done wrong, but apparently it's never happened before. The landing pad was just five yards or so from where I came to a stop, but the line itself must have curved slightly upwards towards the end, because I soon found myself creating a new activity called 'reverse ziplining'. The bollock-squashing harness eventually suspended me over the lake at about 50 yards from the landing pad, a distance great enough that a guy had to come out in the world's slowest kayak and give me an extra rope to hold onto, so that I could be pulled in to the shore. A good ten minutes later, normal service was resumed and the rest of my group flew over towards me one-by-one. 600 extra weirdo points awarded.

The next activity was to then walk into the lake and begin swimming into the cave. Which is what everybody else in the group did. I instead went down towards a kayak (quite possibly the same one used to rescue me). Actually I don't think many of them knew I wouldn't be swimming, as they definitely all stared at me from across the lake for a good while as I rowed away. The clothed bald zipline destructor sailing away in shame. 40 extra weirdo points awarded. Total weirdo points: 656. Winner.

I don't actually care, I won't see any of them again - and I had an amazing day.

HANOI

So that further 8hrs coach journey to reach Hanoi was something I really wanted to avoid, but the only direct flight that week sold out and I was left with no other option. I did have the bright idea of wearing one of my nicotine patches, which was wise, because this 9pm to 5am coach didn't intend on making any stops along the way and indeed wouldn't have if it weren't for the strangest thing I've ever witnessed on a bus. The lights were all off and everyone was trying to sleep, then about an hour into the journey a woman suddenly starts screaming - whaling - and the lights come on. Four or five people rushed over towards her and the baby she was holding. I couldn't tell what she was saying (it sounded like 'ma-moy' but I couldn't find a translation no matter how I spelt it), so I could only judge the situation by what I was seeing and, although it seems an extreme assumption, I really did think her baby had died. Unlike her, the baby was silent and wasn't moving as she held it in her arms. The bus didn't stop for another twenty minutes. This was all happening not too far along the bus from me and I felt really bad for not even moving from my bed, but even if I understood what she was saying I likely wouldn't be able to help. I was looking down at my phone and then looked up again to see she was no longer on the bus, so I assume she was dropped off at some kind of medical centre. I'll never know what the issue was. My issue was trying to get any amount of sleep and then ultimately trying to find any hotel in Hanoi that would let me check-in at 5/6am. I managed to get one. Worth noting that hotels in Hanoi are significantly more expensive on average than anywhere else I've been to in Vietnam. I slept for most of this first day.

I met a girl called Phuong (pronounced Fu') and ended up staying five nights in what was her now closed-down small commercial unit (which she called her 'shop') from which she used to operate an online fashion business ('Phuong Vu Design'). Apparently she had to close it two months ago because it was so unprofitable that she now finds herself in 600,000,000 VND worth of debt. I thought the girl back in Pattaya and I got on well with each other and that I liked her, but this girl was much nicer and showed far more interest in me. Plus, we pretty much instantly felt really comfortable around each other and, in spite of having to use Google Translate quite a lot, we got on very well and had a laugh. For example, on our last night together we were dancing around the room with cooking pans on our heads. Very similar personalities. She even sat there listening to Tera Melos for about 4 minutes just because I said I like that kind of music. And she bought us lots of Vietnamese food that I otherwise would never have tried. And she was cray. Under different circumstances I'd happily have her as a girlfriend but it's just unrealistic given that I'll probably never go back to Vietnam after this.

We went to Hoan Kiem lake together and I taught her some English swearing like "twat" and "fuckin ell" which she proceeded to say a lot:

I'd planned to see the Ho Chi Minh mausoleum (as stated earlier, confusingly this is in Hanoi) but I failed to get inside on two occasions. The first time, the girl on the ticket desk said that the mausoleum was closed that day and would open again two days later (so I went inside the museum instead). Then when I went back two days later, I did find the mausoleum itself but couldn't find any way of getting inside it. There were guards outside and lots of 'no trespassing' signs so I'm not sure how you actually see Ho Chi Minh's body, as was recommended on tourism websites.

At the museum, there was a gift shop with a couple of shitty acoustic guitars hanging up on the wall and for about £30 I just had to scratch the guitar-playing itch and buy one. Which was good because Phuong seemed super impressed when she got back from work that day and saw me sitting on the bed playing it (I hadn't told her I play guitar). We spent quite a lot of the time we had together singing different songs like Lonely (Akon), Beautiful Girls (Sean Kingston) and Ain't Nobody (Shaka Khan). She's the first girl I've met who didn't once complain about me playing guitar, or tapping out rhythms all the time. Nor did she complain about me smoking - she let me smoke in her 'shop'.

I was just killing time in the days mostly, waiting for her to get back from work, so I also visited the zoo (about £0.30) and found what I believe might be the only snooker club in Vietnam. It was quite a difficult find, listed online with just a Facebook page (not on Maps) and even with the assistance of a Grab driver I struggled. On my last day I spent about four hours there. I was sitting beside my table eating some horrible chicken and rice when suddenly a ball from one of the nearby pool tables comes flying over my shoulder and smashes my glass to pieces - thought it was quite funny but, to be fair, it wasn't exactly far from pelting me in the back of the head.

 

 

 

 

 

HA LONG BAY

Phuong arranged for a bus to take me to Halong and found a good hotel for me called Cong Nga at only £11 a night. I forgot to give her back the key to her shop. She was cool about that though.

She was surprisingly slow at replying to me after I left (we're talking like 14 hours or a day at a time) and it transpired that she felt as though I'd used her for free accommodation etc. when in fact this was her very kind offer which I had been grateful for. She also accused me of being stingey when I'd actually paid for loads of things and she claimed that "the love of a man for a woman is judged by the finances he gives her" - this was one of several remarks that clearly proved she found a man's money more important than the way he treated her... leading me to feel quite justified in telling her that she wasn't the person I thought she was, that I hope she finds a rich man so she can be happy and that I would wish her the best of luck but she'll need more than luck (to "work on her attitude and heart"). It all came as a bit of a shock, given that I thought she wanted to see me because she liked me, not for what money I could give her - but apparently that wasn't the case, so good riddance. It's worked out quite well because I've really enjoyed the Halong Bay area and don't want to rush back to Hanoi (as I'd felt pressured to do so I could see her again before flying to Thailand). At the very least it's an interesting insight into the cultural and social differences in Asia and, regardless of the situation now, I won't suddenly deny that she made my stay in Hanoi a lot more enjoyable.

So in Halong I booked a half-day group tour, where we were driven to the harbour and taken on a boat out to a series of isles, around which we were rowed by local women to discover secret coves. It's been really cold up here in the north of Vietnam, so it wasn't exactly a pleasant temperature out at sea either, meaning I just couldn't enjoy the experience as much I felt I should have. Nevertheless it was still breathtakingly beautiful. We then sailed away to one of the larger more inhabitable islands where we went inside Heaven Cave, before the rest of the group went back to the boat. I instead opted to visit a second cave on this island which, although a little less beautiful inside, was completely empty bar me, so I really liked wandering around in there.

After returning to my hotel on the mainland and resting for a while, I pulled up some nearby attractions on Google Maps, which included 'Sunworld'. A theme park with rollercoasters, a huge ferris wheel, a cable car that crossed over the sea and a 12D cinema. The rollercoasters weren't in operation - presumably because it's the low season right now and very wet. The 12D cinema was quite an experience, though I'd argue it was in 5D at most (watch the video below) - I'm not sure how they can claim it's in 12 dimensions.

 

CAT BA ISLAND (incl. MONKEY ISLAND)

This island is a 15 minute speedboat ride south from the Halong harbour and it was in my original route plans because I wanted to see 'hospital cave', while the coves here had also been recommended online. 'Hospital cave' is where injured Vietnamese were taken during US bombing of Cat Ba. My hotel didn't have working AC so I had to sleep in all my clothes and then buy a coat the next day (I'd packed only for hot weather, having planned to visit Vietnam between Jan/Feb when it would be hotter, as opposed to Dec/Jan).

I got a half-day private tour where a really friendly motorbike driver took me up to the national park area and showed me around the hospital cave. He pretty much spoke no English and kept on making some weird gesture with his hand that I couldn't understand, as well as repeatedly saying "number one". The rooms built inside the cave were a much more decent construction than I'd imagined - it was a proper concrete structure with loads of individual rooms for food storage, operations, meetings, etc. The rooms were fairly empty apart from the occasional relic and dressed-up mannequin, but I was still really impressed by what had been created here. The driver and I later trekked through the rainforest up to the top of a mountain (1hr each way), where once at the top there was so much mist that it looked something of a white abyss all around me. He drove me back to the hotel and I felt really happy - a feeling that was added to significantly when I learnt that the shower in my room did actually pump out hot water (please, please, no more cold showers).

I got another half-day private tour from Cat Ba to go on a boat and see various isles, including the real Monkey Island. I say "real" because the reason for wanting to visit was not particularly anything other than my favourite childhood PC game having the same name.

The boat driver let me have a go at steering, meaning I operated the boat for a little while and navigated through the isles to reach Monkey Island. The island itself had a hiking route but it started off with a steep climb up the rocks from the beach and I just couldn't be bothered, especially in my sandles. So I sat in the cafe shack on the beach where the lady there offered me some apple slices for free - I'm not sure if it was fruit grown on the island or not. I also got a diet coke and took a few gulps before putting it down on the table, to have a look at the big group of people approaching and about to destroy what was up-to-then a completely secluded, quiet and idyllic location. The monkies had spotted them sooner though. I'd been wondering where they all were, but they soon came out in droves to harrass these tourists for food, so I went over and started taking pictures. I heard the sound of something being dropped behind me and turned around to see that one of the monkeys had been drinking my diet coke. Before I even got back to the table, another one came along and ultimately there was one drinking from the can while the other enthuasiastically licked up the spillage off the table. Not too long later, they came back to steal a big tube of Pringles from some other tourists. Didn't bother buying another drink.

I went back to Hanoi about three days before I was due to leave Vietnam, just to ensure I was close to the airport and didn't get caught out on one of these islands (I now know from experience, in Indonesia and Cambodia, that it could be quite easy to miss what might be the only boat of the day back to the mainland, due to the stated departure times being only very approximate estimates, as well as my inability to wake up early.) I really liked the Halong area, it was probably my favourite place so far out of everywhere I've been in my whole journey, or certainly in the top three. So I kind of regretted not spending a couple more days there. I had nothing left to see or do in Hanoi and spent these last few days just milling about with no real purpose, again visiting that same snooker hall for example.

As I'd left my electric razor in Phuong's shop and wasn't able to get it, I set about buying a new one and thought it would be easier than back in Bangkok when I last attempted to purchase one, because the same retail chain, Big C, had a multi story shopping centre right near my hotel. Alas they did not have one - throughout the entire building - and I was advised to go look in smaller shops in the streets, but the bloke didn't say which shop or where, so while I was once again looking on Google Maps, a Grab driver spotted me and begun touting for business. Quite convenient because I thought he's likely to just know where to go and take me quickly. I needed a shit but thought I'd be back to my hotel in the next half hour so it'd be fine...

Three hours later and I block the toilet, by adding loo roll on top of the biggest turd ever known to man. Hoping to avoid blame and, more importantly, extra charges, I did consider not telling the hotel staff and just containing any further shits for the next couple of days. That seemed inplausible so I instead went with the option of booking a different, additional hotel for the night and packing a smaller bag to take there. On the way out, the reception dude asked for my real passport (as opposed to the photocopy I'd left with him) and I felt obliged to comply, which was inconvenient because I didn't know if this new hotel would ask the same. I went outside into the alleyway and realised that this new hotel was only accessible either on foot or by bike, as it too was amid these very narrow back allies, so I booked a Grab but it was so far away that I just walked for fifteen minutes instead. The staff at the new hotel didn't ask for my passport, in fact they didn't ask me anything at all, because to all intents and purposes this hotel simply did not exist. I wandered around the area where Google Maps said it supposedly should be, even walking into some back courtyard that may well have been residential, but I could not find it. So I had to go back to the original hotel and confess my sins, requesting a different room. The dude there was very understanding, but his weird pronunciation in repeatedly saying "please come in" made me genuinely think he was saying "police coming". I actually thought he was getting the Shit Police involved and that it might be a Vietnamese crime to clog their drains, so I had to clear that with him using Translate. To top it all off, the new razor was an even bigger piece of shit than what had fallen out my arse, and it left me with a very unevenly shaved head.


Once again, I've operated quite differently in Vietnam to how I did in the other countries, so it's difficult to draw comparisons or decide whether this was my favourite country so far, but I'm inclined to say that it is. I think I rushed certain parts, for example I may have stayed longer in Ho Chi Minh at the beginning, or done a lot more during my five days in Nha Trang, had it not been for my overwhelming fatigue and trying to readjust to being by myself after all those days with the girl in Pattaya. I may also have spent longer in Phong Nha and Halong - my two favourite places for sure - if the weather had been better. But what's done is done and ultimately I did at least get to see a lot of places, do quite a lot of things and meet a few girls. For sure, this is the first time that it actually feels like I've spent a full month in a country - it did sort of go quickly, yet I've been to so many different places (unlike in Thailand for example) that it feels like there was a certainly a month's worth of activity in there. If I ever visit Vietnam again, Hue will not be on the itinerary, but I would definitely return to Phong Nha and Halong at such a time when there's better weather in the north.